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| This is a deep fried Mars Bar - invented in Scotland that hotbed of haute cuisine. It can now be fortified with vitamin a, b, c and d ... anti-coagulants and anti- cholesterol stuff. Also on the way - friendly gravy! |
By Terrance Seamus O’Gavan
Health Canada is investigating the efficacy of adding vitamins to junk food.
About time too.
Good stuff like potato chips, double-dipped chocolate covered cheese-puffs, and cotton candy have been taking some hard knockin’ raps of late.
Woebegone naysayers in Canada’s meds profession are already manning the ramparts, and calling on the organics cognoscente to fight this trending toward totalitarian technology.
“I think that almost certainly what it will lead to is the fortification of junk food, of highly processed food, that really we should be discouraging the consumption of,” says Dr. Yoni Freedhoff, medical director of the Bariatric Medical Institute in Ottawa.
Horse hooey. What a namby-pamby.
Relax and abate good doctors. The people like it.
Forget all that useless claptrap about apples and oranges, broccoli and carrots.
Forge ahead. Get with the program. It’s 2009 for god’s sake.
Your kids hate parsnips and pomegranates. They love Pringles, Pez, peanut brittle, and popcorn. Add a bit of Vitamin D, some Human Growth Hormone, a spackle of Vitamin C, B12, garlic, and testosterone to that 550 gram Mars bar, and voila!
Your compost and rubbish diet is fundamentally fortified with a mélange of anti-aging, cancer-battlin’, weight-wackin’, cold-crunchin’ and swine-flu fightin’ agents.
Win-win. Junk food crunched to healthy living.
The paradigm spins. Mottos move. A 21st century campaign is borne.
“A Snickers a day keeps your doctor at bay.”
And why stop there for god’s sake.
The good news is spreading.
The gun lobby is on board. Like Season Shot, an ammo supplier. Years ago they came up with bird shot made from oregano, garlic, onion, pepper and other spiced treats.
Check out Season Shot’s startling new ad: “Ammo with Flavor! Season Shot is made of tightly packed seasoning bound by a fully biodegradable food product. The seasoning is actually injected into the bird on impact … When the bird is cooked the seasoning pellets melt into the meat spreading the flavor to the entire bird.” Whoeeee! And it comes in a wide array of flavors.
Now, gun makers are jumping on board this techno train.
National Rifle Association stalwarts Remington, and Smith and Wesson, are even marketing a safe bullet. You heard me.
A spokesman for Remington, Cleveland Gusto, says that all of their bullets –even those flak-jacket piercing, cop-killing, tightly-wound titanium-alloy 44-aught loads – will now be injected and fortified with vitamins C, D and E, a broad-base antibiotic, and a full 100-milligram dose of Anti-Inhibitor Coagulant Complex, an agent that speeds clotting in trauma victims.
“Drive-by deaths are on the rise in North America,” says Gusto. “In an effort to help appease this upward trend in senseless carnage, we will now be using a beneficial clotting agent to give innocent bystanders, cops, firemen, and other collateral damage victims some extra time after receiving a typically fatal gunshot wound.”
